"I want to be adored, but I'm unlovable."
"I need help, but I have to be strong and independent."
"I want connection, but I don't feel comfortable with physical affection."
"I want to explore, but I'm afraid that I will get hurt/fail/be rejected."
"I want to be in a committed relationship, but I feel trapped."
"I want to be myself, but you won't like me if you really knew me."
All the above statements are beliefs that keep us from being at ease, developing meaningful, healthy relationships with others, showing up in life authentically, and fully embracing the experiences that life has to offer. They are very common in our culture of double binds, and yet, many adults unconsciously live by these operating rules. Often, the second part of the statement following the "but" is buried and unspoken. Often, we go to great lengths to shield ourselves from the pain of acknowledging our double binds and how they were formed. Only when we dig into our subconscious do the underlying beliefs surface for us to observe and question.
These double binds arise from our childhood and can elude us for decades as many can form as implicit (preverbal, unconscious), or non-declarative, memories of which we cannot consciously bring into awareness. Implicit memory and the neural circuitry of the limbic system are wired almost entirely by attachment experiences, or early child-caregiver interactions. What are some examples of double binds giving rise to insecure attachment patterns and later difficulties in life and relationships?
Preoccupied: Overprotective, involving parenting leads to a role-reversal in which the child abandons his own exploration to care for the needs of the parent(s). He cannot pursue his own individuation and exploration, risking abandonment by the caregiver. This later shows up in his adult relationship, in which he feels guilty pursuing his own hobbies, abandons them, and then feels resentful towards his partner when she expresses her needs for care.
Dismissing: Disengaged and neglectful parenting leads a child to suppress their attachment needs altogether, developing a pseudo-independent and self-reliant stance. This child learns that expressing distress to her caregivers can lead to rejection or punishment. As an adult, she has a difficult time recognizing her need for closeness and asking for it, seeking soothing elsewhere, such as using substances.
Disorganized: This double-bind is the most apparent. To an unresolved or disorganized infant, the caregiver is both the source of comfort as well as the source of fear. This child simultaneously feels a desire to move towards their parent while wanting to flee, showing a response described as "fear without solution." In adulthood, he has trouble forming intimate relationships as he both feels a need for closeness while at the same time fearing it and seeking distance for a sense of safety.
As these double binds can arise early on in childhood before autobiographical memory comes online, extinguishing these limiting beliefs with cognitive therapies is neither effective or sufficient. The circuitry formed via early child-caregiver interactions must be remapped using experiential modalities. With Ideal Parent Figure protocol, new childhood experiences are embedded into the memory to create a new internal working model based on secure attachment.
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